Not becoming your depression

As anyone who has read my blog knows, I suffer from depression. I take my medications religiously rarely if ever missing a dose, yet there are days like today when I wake up and I know that nothing in the day will be right. It's not a matter of things not going my way, but I know enough about my mind by now to know when it has shut down and a personal visit from Bruce Springsteen himself could not cheer me up.

Today I am thinking about Len, my partner of twenty years who died two years ago March 17, a date that happens to be my birthday and I am just filled with sadness. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my current partner Mike and the life I lead but sometimes I just miss Len. You had to know him to know what I am talking about. While so far from perfect he had a laugh that could fill a room and despite the age difference and despite his physical problems I just thought he would live forever.

Today I am thinking about my own maladies-I had pneumonia in December and my body is playing tricks on me. I quit smoking and gained ten pounds and my jeans dont fit and I dont have the money this week to go out and get new jeans (in a larger size), I go to the gym and my body that I was once so proud of does not look the same and it is taking a long time for the muscle fibers to come back and in the meantime I feel like a lopsided mess.

Staying home on sick leave messed with my mind and I am fighting depression, I am fighting agoraphobia, I am fighting social anxiety disorder. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and I am worried about having a panic attack at work. On a brighter note I do have an appointment with a behaviorial psychologist tomorrow who claims he can cure me of my panic attacks.

I am tired. I am tired of the fight. That does not mean I wont continue to fight but the one two punch of pneumonia and depression really knocked me on my ass and I am struggling to get up. Depression is not always about feeling sad, sometimes it is about feeling overwhelmed. The sadness I can deal with, what I can't deal with is being behind in my bills because the thought of sitting down and facing them is more than I can handle.

I don't want my depression to define who I am. I went to the gym four days in a row this week, I went to the movies and I almost went to the circus today. It's not easy life right now but I wont give up.